Okay this blog post isn’t going to be about doom and gloom but it is going to be a reflection of how I look at myself.
I started 2019 with all good intentions as you do of not being affected by others because this is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I don’t know if it became worse when I was bullied at school for the way I was and looked or over time I’ve become my own biggest critic that I’m always kicking myself for the smallest things I do because I worry about what other people will think about what I’ve done or even the words I’ve said.
Maybe being on social media makes you doubt yourself also especially when you read for example someone writes under one of their posts sorry this is horrid photo and you step back to look at yours and think but that’s like what I posted the other day. I think these things all the time when I read or see something someone has posted knowing I shouldn’t do and instead be happy with what I’ve done especially as I do all this social media stuff on my iPhone as I don’t have the money for a laptop or a fancy camera.
Now this isn’t the person I am, it’s not the person i am with Jenson but I’ve come to realise where I’ve had time to sit and think the last few days as I’ve been struck down by some sickness bug and not been able to eat (one of my favourite things to do) that I don’t show who I am to the real world. This includes my family, my friends and the people I work with, I’ve become very private and tend not to see people anymore like I use to.
Now over these last couple of days (it’s amazing what not eating does to you) has made me realise that I feel suffocated and have done for some while, it started when I became a parent and got worse when I started working where I do now and I can no longer go on like this. I need to stop worrying about for example – someone telling me what I said to someone else was wrong and being affected by it so much to the point that I think I’ve failed again because maybe I shouldn’t have said it or done. Instead I should be confident in what I’ve done and why I’ve done it and remember that is that persons opinion and not mine because we’re all allowed our own opinions aren’t we.
I also need to stop hiding the person who dances around in her living room to Tina Turner or ABBA or even Kings of Leon (one of my most favourite bands EVER) from everyone and this includes my family because the only person who sees it is Jenson and he loves it when we’re silly like this especially now we have Alexa to speak to so are constantly changing the songs played at a high volume.
As I write this I know I’ve become worse in my criticism of myself since I became a parent because wow the amount of people that have an opinion on what your doing or not doing is phenomenal especially even more so when I tell them I’m a single parent. Since I’ve read ‘Happy Mum Happy Baby’ by Giovanna Fletcher it’s made me think that I should be confident in what I’m doing and how I’m doing it because parenting is a journey you go through and only you know your child.
I have sat back and looked at what a beautiful little person Jenson is and he is my biggest accomplishment in life because he is the most loving child and has such empathy for people and animals to the point of if I paid for example for every charity advert he sees that he believes we should pay towards and always gives me an argument of why we should I wouldn’t have enough money to pay the rent every month, he’s imagination amazes me as he comes with the most fascinating short stories and creates a new characters (he should definitely write a storybook one day), he tries he’s hardest at everything he does and always comes out with the most random facts about something he loves ie he tells me about new dinosaurs all the time and most of them I’ve never heard of.
I think what we all need to realise and I’m as guilty as anyone else that we all have a background story that no one knows about and have taken different paths in our life’s that are different to the person that you sit next to on the train going in the same direction. I think this is something I need to tell myself more regularly and realise that if people don’t like me or the way I say something or something I do it’s fine and it will be okay.
So here is to a new year of being more like myself and making changes to help me be that person again to the outside world because I’ve not always hid her behind closed doors.
Laura x
Disney Walk of Life 